An “Existential Terror and Breakfast” Companion:
Yesterday’s Existential Terror and Breakfast may have been a little…depressing. Sure, overall it was counter to the tune of Malcolm’s depressive state, but Malcolm Steadman will dial a suicide hotline in 89 days. Is all of this Existentialism getting you down? It doesn’t have to! Introducing one of my favorite things ever: The Existential Coloring Book!
So take a deep breath and begin to relax as you fill in the pages with the prettiest of colors! It is all gong to be okay. Brimming with 24 pages of philosophers and sorted “animal people” this coloring book will easily allow you to take your mind off of the dark all consuming abyss by letting you color that abyss any color you like!
Not convinced that this will be a relaxing exercise and that it will help you take your
mind off of Malcolm’s impending deadline? Well, you are probably right, actually. This coloring book will probably just confound that and worsen it. I am pretty sure that “drawing what Kierkegaard or Sartre are thinking about” will actually strengthen and enhance whatever woes are on your mind. If I can be honest, I did not actually think this one through. Shit. It even says it has “mildly depressing activities” in its description. There were actually a LOT of warning signs that this would not work out.
I mean, look at this picture here:
What in god’s name made me think that this would help ease your mood? IT ADVISES AGAINST GIVING IT TO CHILDREN! So yeah, um, my bad. The Existential Coloring Book cost only $7.50 though! So, um, paying to enhance your sour mood will be cheap?
This is the point of the article that I would like to take a moment and assure you that Malcolm will be okay. This is the point that I would like to ease your anxieties and tell you that he will make it through these existential assaults and be better for it on the other side. I would like to tell you these things. But I won’t. The title, after all is “Existential Terror and Breakfast”. Terror. It is only going to get worse.