Happy zombie jesus day!

Today we celebrate the first recorded zombie: Jesus. After effectively rising from the grave on the third day, the J-man has left us living in fear of this new reality. Not only do we have to deal with the fact that the dead CAN rise from the dead, but also that they WILL rise from the dead. Not simply happy with the first fact, the bible then¬† prophesied the zombie apocalypse in horrible mind raping detail in Revelations. Why god hates us so much that his only son would turn into a nightmare and then foreshadow that it will get much worse is beyond me. Maybe He was not pleased that we don’t play nice and killed His son, so in some bizarre show of power and punishment He turned the only light and hope in the world into a shrieking corpse. We can only speculate. I do know, however, that He is not done with us. So cherish your last moments with your loved ones today and remember that there will be no warning, and that it is the moment that you see the existential horror that is reanimated grandma chewing on your daughters leg and your reactions afterward that defines a man. When you are done eating dinner, remember to beg God that this does not happen. It is only our perpetual fear and pageantry of our weakness to Him that keeps this dark future at bay. Soon though, he will grow tired of this substitute power trip and will seek the real deal after remembering what we did.

Curse the endless parade of evil madness of walking dead. Curse it.

Rev. Fitz
Michael Fitzgerald (Rev. Fitz) is a writer, illustrator, and amateur Electrical Engineer who lives in Seattle.

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